my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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