This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
