planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
