the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
