My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
