i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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