so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
