....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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