You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
