i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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