Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
