he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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