Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Actions speak louder than pants.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
