what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
