so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
