1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
