Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
