dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Randomize
