I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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