My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Never joke about your clitoris.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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