Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
