I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
