Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
