dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
