Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
