I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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