i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
