I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
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I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
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Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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