Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
