The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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