guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
