Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
