fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
