I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
