Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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