everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
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my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
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I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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