I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
