my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
