I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
