if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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