My balls are so social today.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
