I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
