I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
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