i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
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I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
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Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
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Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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