I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
