I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
