HIV tests are more positive than that guy
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
