I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Randomize
