oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
