if you like me you must not know who I am
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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