I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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