My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
