My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
