I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
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The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
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I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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