u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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