please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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