shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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